Stitches of My Heart

Tag: life

  • Dear young Paramedic,

    Congratulations! You’ve made it through medic school. A long drawn out process. So, you went to Paramedic school because you want to help people, or you want to make a difference. In your life, you have felt like life has been unfair at times, but you’ve made it. So many things you haven’t understood. How can dad’s decide they want a different life? How can siblings leave you, and act like they wasn’t sitting on a trampoline in the front yard with you giggling, or little brothers decide to choose their wife over you? After all, you pushed him down a gravel driveway in a dump truck for Pete’s sake. How can families not be together anymore?

    Life is unfair, and you about to see just how unfair it can be.

    You want to make a difference, you want to hold hands, and offer comfort to others that are suffering, or fix broken parts of your own life by showing some compassion to others that maybe didn’t get it as a child? After all , your mom showed you she loved you? She combed your hair just right and sprayed it with the best hairspray to give you that puff in the front. Your dad fixed you coffee with more sugar than coffee before he went to work? Your sister sang on the kitchen table to Reba, and you laughed. Your little brother grew up at your house, and brought you chicken from the local restaurant, and had your living room full of his friends playing video games.

    So you want to make a difference? You want to learn everything you can about your mom’s seizures, because you won’t allow her to hurt or be in any distress and not know what to do. You have to have the knowledge to help her with her multiple sclerosis, because you will not allow her to go to a nursing home. You want to know everything there is to know about your little boys asthma, because after all, not being able to breath is a big ordeal.

    You know how to control bleeding, you can read cardiac strips, and intubate. You know how to do CPR, and deliver a baby. You can start an IV going down the road, or a dark, non lit house. You should be proud of yourself.

    You’ll get pretty good at reading people by their tone of voice, and facial expressions. You will automatically start assessing everyone you meet, whether you are just talking about the weather, or what your kids are doing this weekend. A few years down the road, you will have figured out how to draw up medication, one handed, and did I mention going down the county roads, because you were taught how to draw up medication sitting at a desk in school.

    You’ll find certain smells that you can’t help but gag at. You are human. You’ll find ways to mask the smells, with menthol vapor rubs in your nostrils, or rubbing alcohol works wonders. You’ll figure out how to get blood out of your tactical pants, with peroxide.

    Oh the places you will go…

    I’m not talking about the Dr. Seuss book. I wished I was, but honey you will find people live different. Houses where the roaches are out during the daytime, and garbage that hasn’t made it to the road in months. You will care for those folks, and do it with a straight face. Jesus loves us all, remember that. I don’t think he approves of filth, but he loves them just like he loves you. You don’t know why or how they got in this position, but maybe their house is a representation of their mind.

    You’ll go in the houses of the rich, where you feel like you need to take your shoes off and you’ll go in the houses of the poor where in the winter, you are freezing , and their heat source comes from the stove, but remember they called you, and you are there for a reason. It might not be an emergency to you, but it is to them, so treat it like one.

    For the most part, they trust you. You are going to have people that don’t trust you, but you are going to need to be nice, remain respectful. When you get an elderly patient, with a UTI, Remember, they don’t realize they are being mean, but I know , you didn’t learn that in Paramedic school. You are going to be in places that you never imagined, from crack houses to back seats of crushed cars. Watch for the glass, and try not to stay in the car long. Get the patient out as safely as possible. You are going to meet a lot of people that want to help, and most of them are volunteering, so don’t disrespect them either. When you are in the middle of nowhere and a guy with two radios and fire gear shows up, let him help. He will become family to you.

    You are going to be on some roads that you didn’t even know existed, and you will wonder at times if they are even on a map, a lot of times they might not show up on your gps, but try to look for the house numbers , that are sometimes wrote on the end of a trailer with a sharpie. I’m being serious, not all house numbers are listed and when folks start coming out they are going to ask you for a name. Be nice, just tell them you didn’t get a name. You will find someone outside, waving you down, or doing an ambulance dance, also resembling jumping jacks. You might not be able to get close to the front door, because the home health nurse’s car will be blocking the driveway, or the family members cars, these are the ones with flashers.

    Did I mention, don’t plan anything on the days you work for after you clock out? You are more than likely going to get a late call if you do.

    Occasionally, you will come to work and be able to take a nap, or watch some movies on your phone, some days are slow, and you might not even start an IV, or turn the lights and sirens on. You are going to have some patients that you see often, and they depend on you. Sometimes they call because they are scared, or lonely. They know your name, or if you look sad, and they know if you care. They will ask you about your family, and you will get to know some of their family. I’m sure Paramedic school didn’t teach you this, but add it to the list. When these patients do get really sick, it often happens quickly, and you may even get frustrated at times, over their repetitive calls, but don’t. They see you different. One day, they won’t be calling anymore, and you will worry about them. You will sometimes give your lunch or snacks away to people that are hungry, when you haven’t eat. You will either order them door dash, or maybe bring them thanksgiving if you are off, you will worry about complete strangers when it’s cold or hot, because you know their house isn’t fit for bad weather.

    You will pray, a lot!

    You are going to need your faith, faith in God will be the only thing that gets you through some days.

    Don’t stop caring though, don’t let the work beat you down. The first time you see a lady die that just gave birth to a baby, and her family left to go across the road to pick her up some food, her phone ringing is going to break you. It’s going to change you. Your legs will shake, your heart will pound and you are going to have so many questions , but don’t stay this way long, you have another call holding. You’ll never forget that moment though.

    When you go to a domestic disturbance, you are going to get angry, you are going to see a side of yourself, you didn’t realize you had. You will become an advocate. Hold on, no one told you that in paramedic school either. You are going to beg her to leave and tell her every reason she don’t deserve the abuse, only to go back to her later, maybe a few months later where she is so traumatically injured, that she isn’t recognizable, and you are going to get angry. You’ll never loose that memory of her.

    Later on, a few months later, you will respond to a CPR in progress call, you will perform CPR on a young adult, where you look up to see their child watching you. I promise , it will take some time to get past this one, especially when you realize, they didn’t make it. You’ll wonder about this child ten years later.

    You will witness a newborn stop breathing and become limp, with the new dad following the ambulance, and deliever a baby that came too early, and for a little while it will change the way you look at babies. Don’t give up though.

    You will go through a pandemic. What ? Yeah, you will learn of a new disease like the flu, that the whole country will have never heard about. You will have to dress in hazmat gear to enter houses. You will not have enough oxygen to save them. You will go to work when everyone else is staying inside. You wanted to make a difference, you tried your best. After you see more people die in a two week period than most do in their lifetime, you will break. You will crumble , and run far away from it. You will go try a new career, making people feel better, completely out of healthcare. Did I mention, you will fix hair? Crazy , right ? But you can’t handle the person you were becoming. Cold, and numb to not feel hurt. You won’t even be able to feel happiness, but if you feel at all, you let the wall down to all emotions. Don’t give up though, you got to keep going

    Less than a year after doing hair, you will be able to go back, you will miss helping people, or trying to anyway. When you go back, you will get the swing of it real quick. You will work hard and try you best to be compassionate and feel everything, good and bad.

    Did I mention it got a lot busier? A lot of your coworkers have changed to, they are burnt out from the pandemic. You will be used by the public for a ride and drug abuse is at an all time high. Narcan is like candy, and you will witness a lot of overdoses, and several of these folks are young, and left to die by their supposed friends. You will also have to learn how to tell family members with compassion that there is nothing you can do to help them, and ask which funeral home they want. No one taught you that either. You are getting older now, and some calls will cause you to cry when you are cleaning up the battlefield in your ambulance when the struggle of saving them was a fight, but you will have made it to the hospital . You will watch family members kiss their loved ones on the forehead and trust you to care for them, for them to be talking to you and tell you they are dieing, to only realize 10 minutes later, that they knew it. Always believe them, when they tell you they are going to die.

    You will have a few slow months, and you will laugh and be silly, but one day you’ll have another call that adds to the trauma. You will work another pediatric death that changes you. You will cry, you will feel like you’ll never be normal again , and you won’t know how you will make it, but you will. When your kids ask about your day, you will tell them it was okay. You will cry in the bathtub, as tears fall from your face to the floor, and you will have random anxiety attacks for a while, but you have to keep going. You want to make a difference, you want to save the world.

    You will grow in your faith, and realize it’s okay to not be okay. You will realize that you can only do so much, and as long as you do your best, that is all you can do. You can’t do it on your own, you are God’s tool. Have faith, pray, and get in your Bible. God never promised us an easy road, he just promised to be with us. When you find your strength in him, you will realize also that God placed you at every call you went to. He strategically planned for you to go, because he knew you could handle it.

    He went to the wilderness and was tested by the Devil. He shut the lions mouth to keep Daniel safe. He protected men from fire because they trusted him. They escaped without a burn. He healed so many people because they trusted him, and just the touch of his robe healed a woman that had been bleeding for days. He made a paralyzed man walk. He walked on water. So imagine what he’s going to do with you!

    Sincerely.

    Older wiser Paramedic

  • Fantastic News! Now what?

    You get some great, amazingly fantastic news. What’s the first thing you do?

    The Best news I have ever got is that, I’ve been bought and paid for! What?! Yeah that’s what I said. All of my debt has been paid! We have a father, named Jesus , that hung on a cross, whipped, beaten and cursed, all for us. He could have came down from the cross, he had the ability, but he stayed for me and you! He knew that we would fail him, he knew we were sinners, and without a savior, we would die and go straight to Hell! A fiery furnace where the fire would never be put out! I don’t know about you, but I’m terrified of fire. Too much closeness to a fire pit, or the warmth from a campfire is enough for me. Have you seen what it does to a marshmallow that falls off the stick ?

    “He was beaten, he was tortured, but he didn’t say a word. Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered and like a sheep being sheared, he took it all in silence. Justice miscarried, and he was led off— and did anyone really know what was happening? He died without a thought for his own welfare, beaten bloody for the sins of my people. They buried him with the wicked, threw him in a grave with a rich man, Even though he’d never hurt a soul or said one word that wasn’t true.”
    ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭53‬:‭7‬-‭9‬ ‭MSG‬‬

    Bought and paid for!

    “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.”
    ‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NLT‬‬

  • To be ethical or not? That is the question

    One Choice that makes a huge impact on success or not…to be or not to be?

         Specific ways that managers can encourage ethical behavior is a topic I could discuss in great detail. I currently work for (unnamed) Ambulance service, and I have been there off and on for about 10 years total. I have seen so many changes over the years.

    When I first started working at (unnamed ambulance service), it was a hard place to get a job at. You had to know someone important, or be the best employee, that anyone could ever ask for. To work at (ambulance company), you had to jump through so many hoops, have the best resume, best education, and experience really got you brownie points.

    Over the past few years, it has went down tremendously. When I first got hired at (unnamed service) in 2014, I had to go through an extensive orientation. I had to sit in a classroom at the ambulance service for 5 days, going over protocols, procedures, and demonstrate my ability to intubate a manequin, under the table, upside down. I’m not exagerating, I’m being completely honest.

    I had to be able to tie a string, with one hand to secure my Endotracheal tube, after successful intubation.. This was in a classroom sitting, add this skill to going down the road in the back of an ambulance, or in a less than favorable location, or house, and you have skills. We had to do so many required ambulance ride alongs, and observation hours to be set free. We also had to listen to live radio traffic, with calls being dispatched, and pin point the address that was dispatched on a map.

    We had nice button up uniforms, with patches that showed our rank, and certification. We had to have clean, wrinkle free pants, and clean boots, with no scuff marks. We were respected by our peers, and motivated to be the best. We were given rules, and guidelines to make sure the ambulance check off sheet was done before shifts, and fully stocked. When we spoke on the radio, we were to be professional, and do it with pride. In all of these strict guidelines, we were appreciated. The public view of us, was similar to the military. We had supplies we needed, and supported each other. The main kicker was we were supported by our leadership. We were a team with the fire departments, and police officers. We were given our own protocols that were printed off to memorize, and respected by our leadership if we made a decision, and it was seen as unacceptable by anyone else, our opinions were heard before we were chastized so to speak.  

    All of the respect and intense orientation was what motivated us to be our best, and do our best. Most individuals in emergency medicine, are not there for the money anyway. If you join EMS, genuinely, you are there to help people, and put yourself second. Safety always comes first though, that is drilled in our heads from the beginning of school, or training.  Over the years, the ambulance service has went to the dumps. I don’t think it has necessarily been anyone in particular’s fault. We have had some good leaders over the years, that were doing the best with what they had, but I think covid, and burn out from seeing so many deaths, or view of the public’s uneducated opinion has played a huge factor in a lot of EMS’s burnout.

    Overworked, by public abuse of the system, and overuse of emergency service, for taxi rides, and Ubers have really caused a huge effect in the loss of funds that has in turn put a strain on the system. Misunderstandings that the ambulance is just a means of transportation, or way to be seen quicker in the ER. Misuse of emergency service by nursing staff, to get imaging, or more diagnostic testing, where the patient is able to walk and tuck themselves in on the stretcher, only to be discharged from the hospital they are transferring them too, a few hours later.  Not having enough staff, has become such a problem, that if you can pass a drug test, background check and do some training, you can have a job. Getting a job in a career where you are trusted to make decisions in someone’s lively hood should not be so easy to obtain. Just because you can drive a vehicle, doesn’t mean you should be driving an ambulance.

    When did it ever make sense, to pay a float pool more money, to choose when they can and can’t work. If you are paying someone more money to be available when the staffing is low, letting them choose which days and locations they work, doesn’t exactly make sense. If I’m paying you more money than my full-time crews, that are willing to come to work on scheduled days, you should be able to work weekends, and days when I’m low staffed, otherwise why not pay my full-time crews more money, to show appreciation for being at work? It doesn’t make sense. It isn’t ethical. Full-time staff members should never have to pick up extra shifts to make ends meet, when you have a resource pool of employees that are being paid double.

    It isn’t ethical. Management should be a job that comes with great responsibility, with some experience that you are able to use to guide rookies, but respect the ones that have been in their position for years longer than some of them have alive. Really, some management positions have been obtained by young staff that didn’t have the background, that some of the older medics had, just because they got the position. I am not saying they aren’t able to perform as managers, but with high responsibility, should come a great understanding, and respect for crews.  I feel to be a manager, you must have a strong ethical background, that allows you to relate to your personal experience in the crew that you are leading. When a position to do a job becomes just a number on the list, or roster with a truck number, everything starts going down. The leader shouldn’t sit back with a whip, or commands when they aren’t able to get in and do the dirty work with their crew, on days they are struggling.  

    Leadership at (unnamed hospital) , from the CEO, to whoever comes next in command, have no idea what the ambulance service does or don’t do, unless they can place some blame somewhere, or find a way to blame the ambulance crew. They don’t know names of employees that have worked their whole life with the company, or crew members that have went above and beyond for the company. They have numbers and names listed by a department title. For months, we have heard rumors of the ambulance service being bought or sold to another company, but when we have asked if it is true, we have been told nothing, or distracted by a vague statement from higher ups. We were told in a group meeting, in a huge auditorium, within the first 60 seconds, that we were transitioning to a new company, with bluntness, that it was the best kept secret, they had for over a year. No regard, in the fact that you just changed so many lives, with no warning that was confirmed, and not only was over 200 crew members not warned, but crew members that have a regular life around an already complicated schedule, that has involved working countless holidays, and sick time, or PTO some of them have built up over the year to use for vacations with their families or surgeries to repair knees, and hips that have been destroyed by putting in hours at their company.

    No ethical standpoint, on realizing we are people with kids, and families that we put in hours of work, sometimes more hours in our workplace than with our own families just to make ends meet. Some of my coworkers have put in more than twenty years at our company, to be lied to when we have asked about the rumor of being bought out by another service.  While the new service offers us so much more than we have been offered, so many employees are loosing their sick time, and PTO, that they have earned, Absolutely unethical, in my opinion. The new company taken over has came in and offered everyone health benefits that we don’t have to wait the grace period, and recognizing our tenure, on starting to obtain their benefits. We are getting uniforms that are supplied, and respect. I have emailed the new company a few times now, and been able to get a response back quickly, whereas at (ambulance company), I am just a number on a list of employees, sometimes I wait weeks to get a response. I walk in to human resources, to ask questions about benefits and was given a print out of how my benefits will cease. I have already been given more respect with the new company of a personal business card, with email address and phone number should I have concerns or questions. My point in all of this is saying, management and ethical behavior can play a huge impact on your employees, and whether the business with succeed or fail. 

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  • Break? Is there such a thing?

    Do you need a break? From what?

    I need to go to the beach, when it’s warmer of course, and sit back and close my eyes. I could only image the sun hitting my skin, and a breeze. Life is just chaotic sometimes. The hamster wheel I feel like I’m on the last few weeks, needs to slow down. The stress of two vehicles messed up at once. My middle daughter’s perfectly good car was hit, while she was sitting still- thankfully she wasn’t injuries. The oldest daughter’s car has had one thing after another between a heater cord, and a chain being broke by the engine. I go to finally cash an insurance check , from a well known insurance company so I can purchase another car, only to be treated like an outcast, and my bank wouldn’t cash it , Walmart wouldn’t cash it and I finally get it cashed after paying $218 fee.

    The folks that cashed it did everything but ask what color socks I was wearing to verify it was a good check.

    Fast Forward, whatever ever days I haven’t been working, I’ve been doing orientation for a new company that is taking over or ambulance service. Granted, they are 10x better, but I’m tired.

    Regular household chores, and online college courses- I’m ready for a 12 hour nap. I wouldn’t trade my title as mom for anything else. I love my kids, but I’m tired.

    Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

    Matthew 11:28

  • God’s Plan was not my plan…..

    When I went through Paramedic school in 2014, it wasn’t exactly my plans. I started college at 16, most don’t know this, because my mom had a stroke and she has multiple sclerosis. I wanted to gain as much knowledge as I could to always be able to take care of her. My dad left, after 17 years of marriage and she needed help in multiple ways. My siblings were both younger than me and I wanted to make sure they got to school and back and they both successfully graduated high school.

    I was a straight A student, but…

    I quit school, to be able to help with my brother and sister, with intentions of doing homeschool. Homeschool on my own was not ideal, and I made good grades, so I took My GED and started college courses. I had no idea what I wanted to be, but knew I wanted to help others. I suck at math, so I struggled time after time to try and get into the nursing program. I took EMT basic as an elective, but quickly felt called to continue my education and gain my Associates in Paramedicine. I had a few years where I worked full time and had kids that made my process a long one. I applied for LPN, and RN programs , too many times to count. I got alternate a few times but never accepted.

    God’s Plan…

    You see, Gods plan was for me to continue emergency medicine, in the chaos, and to be with folks on their worse days. Offer compassion, and be kind to folks that never experience it. Being in EMS , we are with folks that are scared, anxious and need to just know someone cares. I couldn’t tell you all of the times that I’ve been in the right place at the right time, or the times God has protected me, when I’ve been off during a tragedy that I don’t know how I would’ve handled it.

    All the times, I felt I couldn’t handle a situation though, God could. There has been times, I’ve cried and wanted to scream to wish I hadn’t witnessed the tragedy and pure evil that I witness at times. I’ve thought I’d never be the same after some occurrences, but God steps in an eases my mind. When I went to Paramedic school, I was timid and didn’t have much self- confidence. I also had three small children, and going to school full time, trying to study or even have gas to make it to school was a task within itself. I did my best, I studied and I lost sleep plenty of nights. When I went to clinicals, I had the best preceptors. God chose exactly who I needed to guide me, and show me the ropes. All along, I had one goal in mind, and it wasn’t to just finish Paramedic school, it was to learn whatever I needed to learn to be able to make a difference. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing we can do, if it’s someone’s time to go, we can’t stop it.

    I’ve been called green, naive and even told that I would be eaten alive by EMS folks when I started working full time as a medic. When I finished Paramedic school, my Instructor said she watched me grow a backbone. I didn’t exactly know what that meant until I realized I could advocate for my patients in front of a doctor, or abusive family members. I have a strong passion for advocating for others when they can’t for themselves, and I take my care very personal. Sometimes this is a great skill, and great attribute;but other times this is terrible because I beat myself up, more than anyone ever could.

    I’m always replaying calls, and trying to figure out if I could’ve done something different. God gave me the gift of discernment, and I know when something isn’t right.

    My heart has broken over the years, and I even took a break from EMS during the pandemic, because yes, I signed up to help people, but nothing could have prepared me for the devastation that Covid brought.

    We saw folks dropping like flies, because they didn’t want to burden anyone, they didn’t want to get shipped to another state for care, and they didn’t want to have family get sick trying to help them.

    It was 8 lives, 8 people that I saw die in a two week period that broke me. I couldn’t handle that fact that I felt helpless, hopeless and like a no good Paramedic. There was not enough oxygen, not enough medicine, not enough anything to help these folks. We had oxygen but after researching Covid, I realized the alveoli that protect the lungs fills with fluid, or becomes destroyed and there is no way to get ahead of it when it starts to take over. Oxygen can’t get through, and all of the organs begin to shut down when the blood can’t get oxygen to them.

    I left, defeated and broken.

    I didn’t know who I was , I had been “Chastity , Paramedic”, for years and my identity was tied up in what I did for a living . God showed me that I was HIS, and I wasn’t putting him first, or realizing that I was just his tool-he was the savior.

    I went back to working on the ambulance about a year later with a different mindset. I pray on the way to work that God will put me where he needs me, and show me what he needs me to do. I pray for others to see God in me, and show compassion to the lowest man on the totem pole, to the highest. I don’t care if you are black, white, blue, or green. God made us all!

    I will always try my best to do whatever I can for my patients. I will always care for others just like I’d want to be treated. I have good days, and bad. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am always learning and reading to have the knowledge to face any task.

    When I am given a call, I look at it with one perspective, and that is that God gave me that call for a reason. I don’t always know the reason, but God does. I pray that I never grow weary of doing what he wants me to do.

    I’m so thankful, we just got the opportunity at my place of employment to join an amazing ambulance service. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “In God we Trust!” Is on the trucks. I have the opportunity to grow, and a system in which I have equipment and supplies that will be available for me to do whatever God needs me to do.

  • I Felt loved..

    Can you share a positive example of where you’ve felt loved?

    Love is a huge word, well a four letter word that carries so much weight. I have felt love from my kids, my mom, and my husband of course. My Yorkie, of all things, although an animal has expressed so much loyalty and love. He licks my hands and face and is always waiting to greet me when I walk through the door no matter how long I’m gone. When I’m sick, or don’t feel like getting out of bed,he won’t leave my side. The most positive way I have ever experienced Love though is when I read the Bible after asking God to open my heart and mind, to be able to understand it. When I fully understood the extent at which Jesus loved me, I get chills, and have never felt so much peace when I grasps that Jesus loved me so much and under no fine print will he change his mind. I am good enough, he didn’t stop to say, “I only love you, under these circumstances.” He was beaten, whipped and hung on a cross with nails in his hands and feet and had blood drain from His body. He could have easily got off the cross, and stopped it all. He could have said he wasn’t doing it, or that the pain was too much to bare, but he didn’t.

    When I let the devil tempt me, or distract me, he doesn’t leave, he just sits back and waits on me to realize I need him. When I gain a few pounds, or let myself go, it doesn’t change the way He loves me. When I let a cuss word slip, he doesn’t change his mind about loving me. If I’m poor or rich, it doesn’t matter to him, he’s got a mansion in Heaven for me when I get there.

    The other thing, He’s my father! You have your father here on earth, or you have someone that took part in your physical being , but that father might have let you down, he might not talk to you now, or hasn’t seen you in over a year, so you might question how a father’s love could be the representation of Jesus. Jesus won’t disappoint you, while you might not see him, you can see him in everything if you just look, you can talk to him,like you would a friend, no special words or request needed. He already knows what you need before you ask. No flaw or mistake is too big. You are more than enough.

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